first grade

i remember that the first grade was a year of firsts for me. it was the first time i went to first grade. it was the first time i realized i could actually read after feeling ashamed at the fact that the first word i'd ever learned to spell was "pig." it was the year when i watched a family member paint their nails for the first time and had a fit because i couldn't stand it. it was the year i started chasing said family member and her nail-painting friends during recess because i hated them for doing it. they stopped after that. first grade was the time i was tricked into cussing by a few kids who told on me because i was cussing. that was the moment i stood up for myself and told the teacher the truth. during the winter, i didn't have anyone watching my every move as i ate the snow and almost took in a worm. i learned how to climb evergreens that year and found out i was pretty good at hide-and-seek. i joined a club called "i hate (the people who tricked me into cussing)" and tried really hard not to kick sand in their faces. it was the year i first met the cicadas and watched them with avid interest. at this time, i learned how to draw stick people and be proud of myself. i had a taco for the first time and learned spanish numbers. i watched my sister licking the bottom of her shoe after she'd stepped on a worm. i realized i hated being referred to as "the other twin" or "hey, it's that asian twin who has that funny accent." that was the year for change.

the first poem i've ever written

Musings

You can taste the cigar
burning you from the inside,
pulling at your conscience
and all you can think about is
ending this all if you could just
succeed at falling over.

You can betray everyone in your
life and lash out at them when all
they want to do is pull you back
from the edge and into the shelter
where they try to make you become
real again.

You want to know the truth. You
want to know yourself. You
accept your failure but you do
not come to terms with it. You’re
prideful, you’re sinful, you’re
mentally unstable.

You want the best but you know
that that’s a vain hope. Still, you
dream because that is all that you
have left. You are delusional but
you don’t care because
the only thing keeping you from
falling is that bitter hope.